I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. I was in bed, asleep. I think this is a great point. Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. going to museums? I completely agree with you on Buffy. 6napkinburger And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. July 2, 2013, 11:53 am. After all, the child is innocent and helpless, while the spouse is an adult who can take care of themselves. Hell, even back in my day it wasnt that hard. But you know what. My eldest daughter left for university five years ago and has never come home, though I do chat with her by phone. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. Talk about making a little go a very long way. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Over time, you may have begun to feel a little desperate, wondering if there wasnt some sort of underlying game going on. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. I was hoping to be able to tell her that she has a grandbaby coming, but its still too early to know. These dreams can also give you advice about what you need to do to steer your life in the direction you would like it to go. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. Frankly, her interests sound pretty varied to me for 12: reading, pop culture, sci-fi, archery, piano and Broadway. I take little credit for how lucky I am. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. We watched Space Camp WAY too many times and tried astronaut ice cream together. Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). lets_be_honest I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. 1. I mean, people always try to paint themselves in the best possible light and their opponent in the worst. Before the 12 year was born. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. The Golden Rule for all intimate relationships is just as relevant in this situation: No matter how good your intention or how deeply you care for your partner, dont keep participating in interactions that create frustration and emotional distance. How easy it must be to cultivate a close relationship and enjoy time together when you both like the same stuff! Jordan was my fave back in the day. lets_be_honest I honestly think both parents are at fault. A father-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships a girl can have. The wife should be supportive of his efforts, but he needs to act like a grown man and stop being so selfish. Im breaking out in hives. She may still resent her father and you! Not talking on cell phones, thats where. My father only wanted sons, so he decided that his daughters were going to get into sports, hunting, home repair television shows and walks in the woods. Ill go hiking with you, and I promise to go with an open mind and not complain about it. My dream is to just have a commune where all my family lives together , honeybeenicki So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. I am a huge fan of Pandemic its a co-op game, so you play against the disease and work as a team. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. For my husband he has to do all the driving. And my dad is so crazy into going to my games Walter said he was yelling his head off at the last one. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. He should be talking to his wife about how he feels alienated when it is the three of them, but this is an issue between him and his wife. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. But yes, to all of it. He may feel like he's being left out or that he isn't good enough for his daughter. Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. You may feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to appease both of them while also trying to maintain the peace in your home. The How I Met Your Father star welcomed her son, Luca, with ex-husband Mike Comrie in 2012. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. "If your family don't want to see both of you . Anytime someone starts a comment with an um, I dont bother reading it because its bound to be condescending. No matter what state the person is in, he or she may face criminal prosecution of drunk driving when behind the wheel with a confirmed blood alcohol content of 0.08 percent or higher as the national limit. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. painted_lady This can cause a lot of tension in the family. Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. I see his point to some extent. I said that she is acting like she has nothing in common with her husband anymore, because she likes the samethings as her daughter, and that is all she ever talks about. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. Dream! Here are some signs that your father had narcissistic tendencies or was an outright narcissist. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. Awesome. They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? I discovered them in college and came home like, HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS? LW, your daughter sounds awesome. So, yes, encourage your daughter to take an interest what your husband likes. However, if you do decide to stay together, know that its possible to overcome this obstacle and build a strong family bond. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. Okay, Harry Potter maybe. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. My husband has driven our children away with his dictatorial behaviour 04 May, 2019 01:00 You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush MY HUSBAND is not an emotional. Without respect there will be no relationship. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? He also occasionally went to movies with us. But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? Realize that your child does not have to like your rules, they simply need to find a way to abide by them. To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. So you need to be more encouraging of her spending time with him and stop acting like a little club. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. So, here is the thing. Unless its, you know, the lastest Madonna tour or album . Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. For one mother, this nightmare is a reality, as her husbands behavior is pushing her daughter away. In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. Same with the radio in the car I like country or musicals, he cant stand it, theres no way Id put that on. How are those pre-teen interests? What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. I literally didnt know that the wonders of Classic Rock existed until I got to college. No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. But you can help your daughter learn to cope with her feelings and manage her relationship with her father. Im guessing that you probably make comments about him every so often to your daughter. But in college I fell in love with art history and now I actually take days off work to go visit art museums! I agree with this, except, I dont think the mother was intentionally pushing these shows on her, it probably just happened. Im a mom of a 14 yr old version of this LWs daughter mine is going to One Direction on Thursday, and will be spending all of Wednesday and Thursday both preparing for this epic event. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. I would just like to briefly brag about my dad and how were going to this awesome music festival together this summer!!! But if she IS uninformed, then its good for him to point it out and provide her with ways to become informed. No. I mean ever. I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. The comments seem to be about split on this issue. My other daughter moved out recently into a flat-share with some friends. temperance I am a much better, well adjusted adult because he did this instead of pretending to like whatever show I was watching at the time. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. In four decades of observing crazy-making partners in therapy, I have seen many underlying reasons why these people will simply not let their partners add up any pleasing points. Being a parent is more about shaping your child to be secure, well adjusted, happy (etc!!) But hes an adult and should show an equal interest in what his daughter likes instead of disparaging her interests and rolling his eyes at her. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. July 3, 2013, 9:47 am. Older and (hopefully) wiser I know that we all love the music from our generation. Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. Husbands can inadvertently drive their daughters away by overstepping boundaries, being too critical, or taking on too much control. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Required fields are marked *. WTF youre her mother not her BFF get it together and help your husband round her out! 2. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . Its no crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. The advice to the LW is good, but she cannot change her husbands behavior. I agree with you to some extent. Oh, This Old House. But what upset me more is his reaction. You dont have to be your daughters fellow geek and her best friend to have a good relationship. Or its hilarious I have seriously never watched football in my life, so I once got called on to do a touchdown dance. Have you read Tumblr recently? July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. lets_be_honest Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. But the problem here is not that the daughter dislikes her dads interests. Even if you didn't start out as a control freak, you might have realized that you morphed into one. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. I have to agree. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) Talk about missing the point. I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. He came home four hours later. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. That said, its important to try to resolve the conflict constructively. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. He can take care of himself." Like many women,. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. A lot of them could lean into things he likes Firefly could lead into an interest in science. Its so easy to kill that spark in a child, well done to the mum for supporting her daughter in doing what she loves! She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. Also hi BGM. findingtheearth my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. July 2, 2013, 1:17 pm. He is clearly not getting the message. I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. Camping and hiking which FRANKLY are much better for her both physically and psychologically in the long run. Or even more fun than you would. This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. I dont think theres anything wrong with taking a child camping who doesnt necessarily like it that much. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. By myself, though. In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. But every time they think theyve got it right, they find themselves, as if in a bad dream, back at ground zero, frustrated, undermined, and terribly confused. And while my mom certainly cultivated my love of our mutual interests, she also encouraged me to participate in some of my dads interests, too. Ask the GP: Could taking statins affect your dreams? And I really do think he has been 100%, maybe even 110% put on the back burner. Criticism gets internalized so much more easily at certain ages and coming from certain people something everyone should be more aware of. The thing that really gets me is that my brother, who is not very bookish, isnt doing that well in his classes and only my mother seems to care.